Leaving Ukraine

An interesting Coldplay song was setting the mood in the cafe as I sat down just now:

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
And tell you I set you apart...

Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start.

We are back in Kiev and have booked flights to leave early tomorrow morning. We stopped at the SDA and signed a petition to withdraw our application, obviously not as enthusiastically as we signed the original petition to adopt. There is nothing more that can be done here towards any kind of adoption without a new dossier, and we already have worked out with the facilitator exactly what we need to do to create one, although we have a lot of other processing to do when we get home. All we know right now is that we love Ukraine more than ever, are more passionate than ever about adoption, and will be given the opportunity on Nov 11 to ask the SDA for a referral to adopt children of any age range we choose. Only God knows how that and the other details of our lives will translate into action.

Right now we are sitting in a cafe taking advantage of our first chance to be alone since yesterday morning, the morning when our last hope for adopting on this trip fell apart. I should fill in a little detail on that. On Tuesday, the girl had said that she wanted to come with us even if her older brother didn't. That evening, the SDA recommended that we try to adopt just the younger two, so we were still hopeful on Wednesday morning; however, when it came to decision time, the girl was not willing. This was hard for us, not only because it was a surprise (she had been very engaging with us from the first day and had actually come to Julie looking for a hug at the end of our last play visit) but also because she communicated her decision with much less conviction than her brother or the earlier boy did. Prior to that moment, every disappointment had been for me softened to some extent by the expectation that God would come through at the last minute to save the day in a surprising way.

That pretty much covers the news. Thanks for your comments and encouragements, which have lessened the added difficulty of experiencing this while alone in an unfamiliar environment. We certainly welcome questions.

I will also paste in some of my personal journaling from last night. It is probably the most efficient way to show that we are not in despair even at this early point. Please forgive any redundancies.

I guess we graduated to a bigger grief. I can’t help thinking that before Morocco we would have been crushed by this one-two punch, so I think we are growing; God noticeably answered our prayers for peace in the last 48 hours, too. In the first referral, we started out with all the odds against us; in this one, everything looked favorable from the beginning, so it was a bigger shock. We were farther down the road of imagining them in our home, and things looked more positive at absolutely every point. The girl’s change of heart was very disappointing, because she seemed to be candid and engaging from the first day, unlike the older brother, who was reserved and brooding a lot of the time; I suspect that she may feel regret much sooner than the older brother because it was for her a momentary lapse of courage rather than a calculated decision.

Bottom line: we gave an awesome opportunity to 3 decision-making kids and 2 tag-along kids, and that is surely a good thing per se. Kids are smart and able to make choices; unfortunately these were not wise enough to make good ones, but we can’t control them. We should not let our happiness depend on these kids’ choices, though, any more than we would while raising children at home (cf. Danny Silk); if we are strong enough to raise hurt children, then we are strong enough to move on to other children who will at least give us a chance. We are more like God in this journey than we ever have been.

We are experiencing this grief, even the same day, with a strong sense of gratitude:

• that we can still have a positive outlook on the big picture (where some have become immobilized and cynical),
• that our eyes were opened enough to accept the awesome adoption offer from our heavenly Father,
• that we are going home to a comfortable and manageable life surrounded by loving friends and family,
• that we gained rich new experiences and skills while connecting deeply to Ukraine,
• that we have a deeper passion for adoption and orphans,
• that we have been blessed in so many ways, after seeing a country that struggled under cruel domination for so long and so many people that still have hard lives,
• that we had the honor of bringing a little bit of blessing into the lives of 5 hurt kids.

Our specific dreams have been dashed to pieces, and I think we will always carry the grief of having been parents to these specific, precious children for only a few days, but our dream of adopting and even of adopting in Ukraine is still alive (even though we continue to give God permission to replace it). One of our daily themes here has been that our efforts are in vain unless he is building our home; they are just our cooperative obedience because he includes us in the process. We have also consistently defined success as obedience, not a specific result, and in this moment he is giving me the joy of being in his arms and the feeling of doing exactly what he made me for. I feel much more empowered to wait for the right opportunity than before, less concerned about the cost, and more passionate than ever about the importance of adopting hurt kids.

End of this Road

We are leaving for Kiev in a few minutes. The brother did not even want to see us today, and the sister said she wanted to go only if he did. This was a surprise to me. Even her body language initially seemed to say something different, but then once a person rejects someone to their face, they don't want to even look at them again or say goodbye. There really does not seem to be any point in staying, and tomorrow would have been our last day to visit in any case. So another referral has come to a sudden end.

We are not sure what we are going to do next. One option is to update any expired documents in our dossier and submit again for the same age range. Another option is to come back in midfall looking for younger kids. It is not unlikely that we will be flying home this week, though.

Critical Days

Beth was right that these are critical days. Today I said a sentence prayer out loud at lunchtime before we headed out and then commented, "This could be a great day." Our facilitator responded, "It will be a great day!" He was confident because he had a long talk yesterday with the older brother discussing his area of concern, which was learning English; at the end he had indicated that if he had to make a decision on the spot it would be yes, but he wanted a little bit of time before making his final decision. The sister was hedgy, but it was clearly because she didn't know what her brother was thinking. After that long talk, we had our best time yet with the older brother, who seemed happy and relaxed. We interpreted that to mean that his concerns had been addressed and he no longer felt conflicted about going.

Well, today was not a great day. The short version of what happened is this. The older brother was like a totally different person and insisted that he did not want to come. The sister insisted that she wanted to come even with her brother trying to get her to say no. The orphanage director (who has been fantastic and seemed as affected as we were today) and facilitator had a long talk with him and there was no reasoning with him; Julie and I also did our best to explain our hearts and to convince him. Our facilitator has done well over 100 adoptions in over 10 years and has never seen a situation like this where a child says no without giving a reason. He likes us, he trusts us, he knows his siblings both want to go, but his answer is no and he refuses to say why.

I ended the session by saying we would come back tomorrow to ask what his reason was. There was no way we were going to get any kind of good response after what unfortunately ended up turning into a marathon session for the boy. It also buys us some time to pray and for the information he heard to sink in. It is possible that he is being threatened by jealous peers. Or it could be something much more complicated. He did get teary at one point, which gives hope that he is at least conflicted. The director said she had never seen him act like this.

For us, of course, it was a kick in the gut. We still have no doubt that God has led us here, even if it ends up being to fly back alone. The facilitator commented to me on the way to the cybercafe that he was amazed that we could be so patient. The only answer is that we know God is in control even of this and he has been good to us so far and will somehow bring good to us even through this. It certainly doesn't mean that we have no tears or that we understand what God is doing.

Tonight is going to be critical. It seems like the obvious thing to pray for is for the boy to change his mind, which after all this would feel like a fairy tale ending. We also pray that he not change the other two kids' minds; if he does, there is probably no point in staying. We are not child stalkers, after all.

Please also pray for us. What is happening is very confusing, especially after some of the other disappointments surrounding this adoption in the last couple of weeks and the last couple of years. Our perspective in these two painful rejections is certainly giving us a lot of clarity about the folly not only of saying no to God's offer of being Savior but also of the dumb mistake we so often make of saying no to God's awesome gifts in favor of the whims of the flesh. We walked into our hotel room this afternoon in shock but also determined not to make the same mistake ourselves by turning to anything but God in our own need.

Sunday in the Park and a Fun Monday

Yesterday in the nice city park was pretty special, although quite an overload for me as so much was going on that I always felt like I was a step behind. The kids definitely had a blast, though. One benefit of using the same taxi driver all the time is that he was able to comment that the kids had excitedly shared all the details of the day with the orphanage director, who met us at the park at the end of the afternoon to take them back. There were several little attractions set up: steerable boats in a pond, a bouncy castle including a dragon's mouth that opened and closed on kids that jumped into it, a trampoline with bungee cords that let you jump extra high, and small electric cars that kids could drive on sidewalks, as well as sturdy steel playground equipment.

Today we had a visit back at the orphanage. Things were more fun and it felt easier to keep the kids busy than in the past. It's nice that we are getting more familiar with each other. We did things like plasticine, volleyball passing, bowling with a dodgeball and empty water bottles. The girl loves to take videos with our digital camera of her little brother's antics, and it gives us a chance to all crowd around afterwards and look.

Things are coming to a head with the decision process. We ended up not having much time to talk about that yesterday. All of the kids are fairly positive individually, but it seems that they need to communicate together privately before being confident to make a final decision, because of course they all need to be agreed in order to go. So we are hopeful, but it is not a sure thing by any means and is forcing us to keep submitting the situation to the Lord (and check occasionally to make sure we keep breathing).

Thanks for your prayers. It is always encouraging to read comments.

Two very active days

As my short note mentioned, yesterday was a great day. The facilitator and I played soccer with the two boys (2 on 2 with a 2-foot goal). Being on a team with the older one gave lots of opportunity for passing back and forth and giving high fives. The two of us spent some time alone, too, passing the ball back and forth like a volleyball.

We were unsupervised again today in a two-hour Saturday morning visit except for a few minutes, which makes a huge difference in the dynamic, since the kids are naturally more reserved when there are peers or caregivers present, and these often feel compelled to give a stream of input in Russian. Even more than that, when the facilitator takes one of the kids aside or wanders off to make a phone call, we actually have much more productive communication even though it is not as precise; it forces us to make direct eye contact and do what it takes to communicate, and probably is important to give the kids confidence that life could work without an interpreter. It felt a little rocky at first, as we had a little more trouble than we had getting everyone to have fun with activities, but it ended up working out fine. The facilitator was very encouraged today, more than yesterday, by the kids' demeanor and responses, even though we still have more connecting to do.

Today we did an English language TPR (total physical response) exercise with the goal of helping the kids realize how quickly they would be able to learn some functional English. The goal is to keep the scope small and focus on understanding and response rather than speaking, so we named a few objects on the table and then had them point to the object that was named and respond to commands like "Put the key on the book." The youngest was a little distracted, and the oldest already knew a lot of the names, but otherwise it went well.

The two boys and I played "volleyball" again today by ourselves for a good chunk of time while Julie and the girl did girl stuff. We played all together, too, though; it's amazing how many activities you can cram into 2 solid hours of play when you are trying to keep everyone interested, though.

Tomorrow we have permission from the orphanage director to take the kids out; we will go to a nearby war memorial park and also out for ice cream or something. I think being in a different setting will be good, especially since we won't have other kids walking by every now and then. We might even get to look at some other Indiana pictures on our computer. Our chaperone will be the social worker, which is great since she is very positive about adoption. Last time she was with us, we went through an album she has of kids from this orphanage that are now in adoptive families, mostly in other countries; the kids were very interested and recognized a few of the children in the photos.

Note from cell phone

best visit so far today, alone with kids (and facilitator), so very thankful. all 3 are fun. the key (again) is older brother's decision. facilitator will try to get some feedback from him tomorrow. if he has any concerns, we want to address them soon. stressful. please pray.

First 2 Days in Thorez

We have been in Thorez near the Russian border in southeast Ukraine for 2 days now. Yesterday we arrived on a very well-equipped train car, although Julie didn't sleep quite as well as I did. The tracks are very rough, and you get jostled in all 3 dimensions, which does wake me up as well, although the constant rocking motion soothes me to sleep instantly whenever I close my eyes. A driver took us the additional 70 km to Thorez, where we checked into the only hotel in town. Unfortunately it has no internet and there is no cafe within a 1 km radius that is open before noon. On the bright side, we are only paying $20 a night for a room with A/C and fridge, and there are two huge supermarkets, a very acceptable restaurant, and a cybercafe right outside the door.

Yesterday was a killer, but (not to keep you in suspense) it had very good results. Specifically, all I had to eat yesterday until 5 pm was a cup of instant coffee on the train and a Snickers bar. Also, we were interviewed in imposing offices by the director of social services downtown (I think in City Hall) and then by the orphanage director (which is about a half an hour drive from the hotel through a sequence of potholes) before we got to visit the kids.

The kids are great, very active and interactive; also, they are all together, so we are trying to connect with and keep busy three at a time instead of one at a time. So far we have had the social worker, a caregiver, and occasionally the orphanage director present for both visits, but tomorrow I think we are going to be much more to ourselves. However, the visits have both been close to 3 hours long, which is fantastic especially when compared with the last referral. Also, the children warmed up to us very quickly. They seem to be extremely close to each other. The older boy comes across as very smart and can already read a lot of English even though he only has one class a week; he is also more reserved although also quick to smile and make eye contact. The little girl is very engaging and full of smiles. The little boy is very comfortable snuggling close when looking at a book or pictures together.

The obstacles that we wrestled with last time have not been a problem here and the children seem to have at least some predisposition to engage with us, too, so we and the facilitator and the social worker are optimistic. It is still very hard to make the kind of deep connection we are working on and to build trust in such a short time, especially when there is such a language barrier and it is stressful at this early stage to know how much is at stake for us and them and yet not have a well-defined path to follow to success. The older boy is very interested in cars; he did not realize that Indy cars were named after Indianapolis, for instance, and he asked me (through the facilitator) if race cars really burned nitrogen; that was fun today, but it will be a while before we will be able to have that kind of conversation (much less conversations about personal issues) without a translator.

Yesterday we met in the orphanage playground on two little benches. We played with a number of toys we had brought, went through a photo album of our home and extended family, and took some pictures ourselves. Today we were in one of the rooms because it was sprinkling at first. That cleared right up and the boys and facilitator and I went out to play with a soccer ball for a good hour. They have good goals and a battered basketball rim at the orphanage, so we had a good time. Julie is having to scramble to collect ideas for group games (indoor and outdoor) from her camp counselor days, since we are working with long visits and short attention spans, and we want to maximize personal interaction that has very simple language requirements.

Both days we have gotten back to the hotel physically and emotionally exhausted (last night I slept 10:30 hours and would have liked more) but we are very happy with how things are going and the children really keep all our attention while we are with them and make the time go fast. It looks like our visit tomorrow is also going to be from 1 to 4 p.m.